What Do We Worry About When the Line Between What We Can and Can't Control Gets Blurred

Wednesday night, right before I planned to turn off my light and call it a day I checked my phone one more time. And that’s when I saw the news of the tragic plane crash at DCA. I gasped. Is this real? Then I turned on the news. Yes it was real. I fly in and out of that airport 3-4 times a month. I was just there Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Of course it hit close to home. I thought about my three kids and what they would do if something like this happened to me. I thought about how those 67 people were here and then in an instant they were gone. I thought about their families and friends and the onslaught of grief they will all have to endure.

And then I thought how on Earth are we supposed to process a tragedy of this magnitude on top of everything else we are dealing with right now? Isn’t it all just a bit too much? How long can we go on like this? I don’t think anyone can honestly answer that question. It has been less than two weeks since the inauguration and we are truly in an upside down world. And the stakes are high and the consequences are real. Tuning out doesn’t feel like an option but staying tuned in doesn’t feel necessarily consistent with self-preservation. Is your head spinning? Mine is. Have you worried yourself sick? I have.

I used to be really afraid of airplane crashes when I was a kid. Every time my dad traveled for work I worried until I knew he had arrived home safely. As I got older I realized two things. First, statistically speaking, that wasn’t the biggest thing I should be worried about. And second, there is absolutely no sense in worrying about things you can not control. As a pretty tightly wound, anxious human, I have had to do some pretty extensive work to follow that second lesson. But I feel like I am doing pretty well on that front. Or at least I was.

But it's hard to only worry about things you can control when the line between what you can control and what you can’t control gets blurred. Because in my experience, when you get deep into advocacy/activism/politics, when you discover the power of your voice, and then choose to use it, you start to see that even your one individual voice has the power to effect change in big ways. So maybe you can “control” more than you thought. Which then of course implies that all of those things you used to worry about, but then convinced yourself not to worry about, might actually be worthy of your worry after all.

Annie Andrews with Annie Wu and Liz Minnella at a Women for Harris Event in Detroit, MI

Can I control who gets elected to my school board? You bet I can. If I register voters, donate to candidates, knock on doors, go to rallies, use my platform to promote candidates then I absolutely have some control over who gets elected.

Can I control whether or not fewer kids in my community get shot this year? You bet I can. If I distribute gun locks, talk to families about secure firearm storage, refer patients to mental health resources then I absolutely have some control over kids getting shot.

Can I control whether or not RFK Jr. gets confirmed? You bet I can. If I use my platform to highlight his dangerous anti-vaccine conspiracy theories, his medical illiteracy, his role in the Samoan Measles outbreak that killed children then I absolutely have some control over his confirmation. (Obviously I realize this is a stretch, but it's millions of our individual voices that can change the outcome and I refuse to believe my voice doesn’t matter.)

I think you see where I am going. Once you develop a sense of self-efficacy, once you see that your voice matters (because ALL of your voices matter), that you can be a part of big change, it is hard to throw your hands up and simply say “there’s nothing I can do.” So then you worry about whether or not you are doing enough. Or whether you are doing the right thing. Or what will happen if you sit this next one out.

And that’s where I am right now. Worrying about immigrant kids and ICE raids at schools. Worried about RFK Jr. and Measles and HIB Meningitis. Worried about kids losing their Medicaid coverage. Worried about moms losing access to formula from the WIC program. Worried about our planet. Worried about pregnant women. Worried about kids getting shot. Worried about bird flu. Worried about 2028. And for a few hours on Wednesday night, worried about plane crashes just like I did when I was a little girl.

But my reflection on the DCA tragedy isn’t to start worrying again about things I truly can not control, it is that tomorrow isn’t promised. Today could be my last day. It could be yours. And if it is, will I be happy with how I spent my time? Will you? So we have to find a way to balance all of that justified worry (and the hard work that follows) with joy and peace.

Find your joy. Protect your peace. Let go of people who don’t bring you peace and lean into relationships with people who do. Do things that bring you joy, unapologetically.

And don’t worry about what people think of you, your work, or the choices you make to find your joy and protect your peace, because that is one thing you DEFINITELY can’t control.